Leaving for the Peanut Sauce

When you opt out of taking a hotel for the night before your flight, and instead wander the streets, eating and drinking whatever you want, at your own leisure (and pleasure)... quite often there are consequences... and I always pay them.

I got back to the airport around midnight and had a lovely sleep on a delightful little bench, clutching my new authentically knocked-off red Prada purse close to me...

I went from sleeping in the airport to sleeping the entire flight from HCMC to Beijing.  At this point, I really thought that I'd won the war. I had managed to keep myself up so long that the 21.5 in-transit was going to be handed to me like a piece of cake.

Trouble was though... it wasn't technically handed to me like a piece of cake... it was handed to me more in the form of... some Bleu cheese pizza.

That's right....

No rest for the wicked and those who make foolish decisions before long flights are often punished. I was no exception to the rule.

I don't think that I had been on the plane from Beijing to Vancouver a total of 10 minutes before it hit me.

Bathroom.

Now.

The plane hadn't even moved, yet the seat belt signs were already on.  Panic was setting in... and then I just ran.  It was GO time. That's where it started... 3:30pm in Beijing until 10am in Vancouver.

Bathroom... pass out... nausea... bathroom... pass out... nausea...

On and on...

Nothing in life... nothing... nothing meant more to me during those crucial hours than my airplane vomit bag. Difficult to fathom, but I even passed up TWO Air China meals. Rice, to boot. I was Dierks Bentley... but instead of getting drunk on a plane, I was getting sick on a plane.

... "how do you like Bleu cheese pizza now, Joanna?"...

Once landing in Vancouver, I changed out of summer attire in to rain attire and hit the Canada Line to take me to Waterfront Station... where I planned to get something (not rice) in to my system to kill the bug that had spent the last 10 & 1/2 hours stripping years off my life.

I did eat... I guzzled water... and I even ordered a glass of wine. Regardless of the sleep I had/had not... I could not keep my eyes open... and there remained still 3 hours until my train departed for Mission.  Undeniably a rare occurrence, I couldn't even finish my wine... I headed back out in to the drafty train station to pass out on my luggage. No one could stop me.

Turns out someone could stop me.

Picture me, passed out on a wooden bench, downtown Vancouver, Waterfront Station... suddenly there's a mall cop poking my arm, shining a flashlight in my eyes and asking, "Ma'am... are you OK? Can you hear me? Do you need medical attention?"

Yes... yes, I do need medical attention. And a bed pronto.

Guess you can't sleep in Waterfront Station.  It's a rule I was not privy to... but then again, I'd never had occasion to find out on a first hand basis before. Shitty rule if you ask me. 

As I sat up, groggily, I caught wind of the most overwhelming stench of urine. I was about to make a snide remark about how it was against the rules to sleep, but fine to urinate all over the place... when I looked around and realized that all the local bums had begun to congregate around my new bedroom. One of them was even so bold as to ask me for money. All I had was dong... and dong don't buy no drugs here... 

...unless, of course, you derive another meaning from that sentence...

I would now like to take this opportunity to write down all the things that I take away from Vietnam. I remember meeting Blaire at the Vancouver Airport and I asked him, "What will be the one big thing that I'll take away from my visit to Vietnam?

He pondered the question momentarily and then replied,

"You'll be thankful you don't live there..."

1. Download all city maps to your phone. This will save oodles of time. Especially if you depend on WiFi. Much easier than walking backwards and forwards, trying desperately to figure out where you are on the tourist map your hotel gave you. Glad that I discovered this little trick on November 20th...

2. Pedestrians have no rights. Cars, buses, and motorbikes TAKE the right-of-way, regardless of it they deserve it. Never assume vehicles will stop for you. You need to become one with the road if you ever want to cross.

3. Don’t let your guard down on sidewalks. They’re actually overflow lanes for when traffic gets bad... bringing us right back to pedestrians have no rights! And don't forget they're also moped parking lots...

4. The Vietnam War is the American War. You would assume there would be a certain level of animosity for the Americans, but surprisingly, there isn’t any. Despite all the destruction, people killed and marred, historical monuments destroyed… they really do embrace the American culture. Surreal.

5. Canada's Occupational Health and Safety program is actually not too bad. Bamboo ladders, flip-flops in construction sites, welders shielding their eyes with their hands, scaffolding held together by twine, electrical wires in hideous bundles, sliding down slippery rock with bike helmets on...

6. Learn some Vietnamese. I didn't and it sucked. I still managed to get by... but I should have made more of an effort. The Vietnamese are so willing to help and they really appreciate any effort you put in to speaking their language, while at the same time, take every opportunity to try and practice their English. I showed up in their country, not knowing a word of their language… and leave knowing how to say “Thank you”… and that’s even questionable. I might actually be saying “Shut Up.” 

Cam- iun is Shut up. Câm miệng 

Cam -un is Thank you. Cảm ơn

Nerve racking similarity... if you ask me...

DO;

1. Take sunscreen... wherever you go! The sun is NOT your friend.
2. Bring extra luggage. Shopping will overpower you.
3. Keep your eyes on your bathing suits.
4. Get a massage every day... so cheap.
5. Rent a moped... just for the experience. (see below #5 under Do Not)
6. Eat the street food. Banh Mi is the best sandwich you'll ever have.
7. Drink Vietnamese coffee.
8. Bring toilet paper everywhere you go. And baby wipes! And then bring more toilet paper. You will NOT regret this decision.
9. Bring Ziploc bags. Someone suggested this to me and I could not have lived without them.
10. Negotiate everything - from taxi prices to purchasing a silk kimono!! If you think it's too much to pay... walk away! They will follow you and make it cheaper.
11. Read all the small print on the Vietnam Visa requirements before you enter the country. Bring two passport size photos of your dumb face.
12. Try the Vang Dalat.

DO NOT;

1. Don't over pack.
2. Don't lose sight of your bathing suits.
3. Don't take the train... as much as you love the idea of a soft seat and as romantic as it sounds. It's cramped, outdated and slow.
4. Don't accept plastic bags if you don't need them.
5. Don't rent a moped... you will probably die... and when you do, insurance won't cover you.
6. Don't expect peanut sauce.
7. Don't be suckered in to staying at crap hotels because they're cheap. Spend the extra $5. Go for the good pillows.
8. Don't drink the Vang Dalat.
9. Don't drink the rice wine... or the corn wine...
10. Don't eat a Bleu cheese pizza before your flight.

GET USED TO;

1. The horking. It's everywhere. Men and woman and children. All day long. Everywhere you go. Horking up their phlegm. It's a thing. 
2. A family of 5 on a moped.
3. Kids without helmets.
4. Rickshaws following you everywhere trying to entice you to take a ride. 
5. The trash... it's everywhere. 
6. The horn. The soundtrack to Vietnam.
7. Rice.

The Vietnamese are lovely people, apart from coughing up mucus and the occasional pushy Patty. Most of the people that I encountered were courteous, obliging and overly accommodating. I really do think that some people I know could benefit by ripping a page out from their hospitably book.

As for the dishonest few, the ones that manage to cheat the tourists, I guess I have to let that go and chalk it up to experience, I rest assured knowing that the $30 they striped off of me isn’t going to lead them to a life of integrity… and one day, their criminal ways will catch up with them. 

Karma’s a bitch.

Looking for peanut sauce...

Ironically I named this blog "Here for the Peanut Sauce," but somehow it just doesn't seem fitting anymore because I barely found any peanut sauce in the entire country!  I had planned to eat my weight in peanut sauce daily... not rice.  

The disappointment is real.

Figuratively speaking now, I'm leaving for the peanut sauce...

Oh... and in case anyone is wondering, I did end up bringing my shit smelling shoes home with me… for the sole purpose of not freezing in Vancouver.  They still smell... they are going in the garbage... and if anyone is looking to get me a "welcome home" present, I'll be accepting gift certificates to Shoe Warehouse all week...

Thanks for reading! 
Tạm biệt

Delivering Wow, Sharing Happiness

Goodbye, Hanoi!
Hello again, Ho Chi Minh!

Today marks my final day in Vietnam...
What an adventure it's been. On just one journey, I have never felt so euphoric. so cultured and so sad at the same time.

There was no time in the morning to do any last minute wandering around Hanoi, as I had originally planned.  By the time I got myself ready, my bags ready... had breakfast… it was pretty much time to book my airport shuttle.

Ride took about 40 minutes and got me there just as my check-in desk opened, so good thing that I didn't spend anytime fluffing around the markets of Hanoi, spending all my money, or that might have left me here, high & dry!

I always worry about running late, due to the silly security checks. 

Airport security is my most absolute abhorred thing about flying... that and waiting for luggage after you've arrived. I hate the security lineups... even when there aren’t lineups, they still make you go through those ridiculous rows of queue maze.

The intimidation of it all is too overwhelming. I get flooded with anxiety and stress...  you never know what to expect.

• Some places you have to remove your shoes.
• Some places you have to remove your rings.
• In Vancouver, they took my Redbull and threw it in the garbage.
• In Ho Chi Minh City, they laughed at my trying to guzzle my water because they didn’t care if I brought liquid on the plane.
• Beijing almost confiscated my battery charger, thinking it was a memory drive. Why would they want my memory drive?

Who knows what they’ll suddenly find in your bags that they don’t like!

Other than that, everything went smoothly. 

As soon as I arrived at HCMC airport, I found the luggage storage area and checked my two bags in for a few hours. They charged about $15 per bag and I figure that I would have paid double for the peace of mind, knowing they were safe (fingers crossed)... and omitting the hassle of not carrying them around the city.

I kept stressing to the girl behind the counter, "You're open 24 hours? You'll be open tonight? You're going to be here when I get back?"

She assured me a million times that she would.

From there I went to catch a taxi...
Well this pirate of a taxi asshole must have seen me coming from miles away and mistook me for ignorant and simple. I can usually claim those characteristics on most other days, but on my last day in Vietnam... no way, Jose.

I needed a taxi in to the city and he was more than willing to accompany me right up to his taxi and agreed to take me anywhere I needed to go in the city.

I have to admit, I was warned about taxi scams and told which taxis to take and which to steer clear of… but it just didn’t cross my mind because he told me the payment would work dependant on what the metre read. Seemed legit.

Maybe I am ignorant and simple?

I'm certainly backing myself in to that corner! I'm actually working myself up to be mad again, as I type this out!

When we arrived at Ben Thanh market, I noticed the metre read 70k dong, so I went to hand him 200k.

"No! No! 700k."

700,000 translates to about $40 Canadian... and although it might sound correct for a taxi in Canada, it is hardly what a taxi in Vietnam costs.  I could have paid for a weeks accommodation with that and he knew it.

Worst picture of me
and a pizza ever

To put it mildly, I lost my shit. Right there, in then middle of the round-about, we had a full on fight. I refused to pay that amount and he went about trying to explain to me why taxis are so much more in Ho Chi Minh City. Bull.

What I should have done is take a picture of his displayed taxi license and told him to alert the police. He would have backed down immediately because what he was doing was illegal.  But I forgot that part in my rage.

Finally I threw him 300k, told him that he was the most horrible person I'd met in Vietnam, got out, slammed the door and took off in to the market.

LIVID. 

This was the first time I had deliberately been ripped off and knew it was happening... besides the crook concierge at the hotel yesterday.

After that, there was no holds barred. I wasn’t taking any shit from anyone in the market. I was out for a deal and whether I did or didn’t get it for all of my last minute purchases, at least I felt fairly confident that I didn’t get completely bamboozled.

Delivering Wow, Sharing Happiness
4P's stands for "For Peace"

I met Emily and her husband for dinner right near the market at a place called Pizza 4p. It was directly across the street and be damned if I could find it. I must have walked by it about 10 times before I stopped in to a tour company and asked the girls sitting at their desks.

Little embarrassing when they point next door...

Emily had sent me the website the night prior, so I had already picked out everything I wanted.  Four cheese fondue to start and a Salmon sashimi pizza for my main. I reconsidered my decision though, as soon as I sat back and thought of the disturbing consequences that those dinner choices might have on my body... on a 21.5 hour plane ride.

Don't applaud me too much for being so brilliant.

I changed my mind to a Caprese salad to start... and then to half 5 cheese / half sashimi pizza. It looked so enticing... and it was recommended... and come to think of it, I've survived much richer foods prior to departures. I'd be fine! Let's throw caution to the wine...

After all, this place was delivering wow... and sharing happiness? 

What could possibly go wrong?

Did I mention that one of the cheeses on the pizza was Blue Cheese?

Can you sense the negative foreshadowing yet?

Their food was heavenly... and not a smidge of rice to be seen!

The company was fabulous and it was nice to actually sit down with a familiar face! After we had said our goodbyes, I wandered off in to the streets to see what I could find to keep me occupied for a few hours before I headed back to the airport.

I got a crappy foot rub from a young kid with a bit red zit on his nose. He couldn’t have been more than 19 or 20. Filled some time. 

And cheap.

Quick mention that Ho Chi Minh City is no exception to the rule when it comes to adhering to everything the mopeds want... and a prime example in the fact that pedestrians have no right of way. Look at them just pulling up and parking on the sidewalk!  We are literally pushed out on the road to walk, where we ultimately end up dodging and weaving even more mopeds.

Life in danger. 

No biggie...

After a few more markets and a couple more wine breaks, I bid the city adieu and caught a taxi back to the airport. 

Before I got in this time though, I made sure that I knew approximately how much it would cost.

"150k dong. No more."

More like it.

I told the taxi driver what the other taxi had tried to charge me and he couldn’t believe it. 

"Very bad!"

I wish I could turn back time and punch some deserving people in the face.

Jona Birda

I spent a large portion of last evening haggling with the hotel 'tour concierge' over the tour I wanted to take today.

The tour was a Full Day Hoa Lu & Tam Coc.

In a nutshell;

Hoa Lu is an ancient capital and Tam Coc (meaning '3 caves') features karst formations and caves that guests explore by boat.

Sounded very similar to every other tour I've done thus far, but the pictures of Tam Coc were so alluring... and the lush green valley looked pretty... it was difficult to talk myself out of doing it. So I figured it would be one more day of enriching my historical knowledge and my last day of appreciating the Vietnamese countryside. And it would also fill my day with culture, as opposed to wandering aimlessly, shopping, eating and wine.

When I first sat down with the concierge, I showed him the online tour that I had been comtemplating booking. It was easy enough for me to press 'BOOK,' pay via credit card (in my own currency) and be done with it.  But I was trying to do the hotel a solid and give them the booking opportunity.

I'm really nice...

He immediately lunged in to this huge spiel about how he had the opportunity to book this unbelievable tour that I would absolutely love... exactly the same one as I'd shown him.  The only difference was that he had slightly more photos in his 'tour book,' providing the wow factor and giving the false impression that it was more than what it actually was.

Same tour... OK... I'll bite.

How much?

He offered me a steal of a deal at $60 US.

I don't know if I choked more on my own disgust or my astonishment!

My tour on line was $46 Canadian.
$60 US does not equal $46 Canadian... nor is it a deal, any way you look at it.
$60 US equals $79.42.

Beat it.

So here I find myself, tired... cranky... needing food (not rice)... siting in a muggy hotel lobby, arguing, in broken English, over the vast difference between the American and Canadian dollar.
His next big move was to try and sell me on a slightly upgraded tour, almost identical but including one more stop on the excursion... for the low, low price of....

...$80US...

Gettin' real mad here...

Three times I attempted to get up and walk out, stating that I was perfectly capable of booking my own tour online, in my own currency. Three times, he called me back to work a deal.

His next move (and he definitely deserves points for trying) was conceding to finally sell me my tour of choice at my requested $46. OK.

Perfect.

He then proceeded to take out his handy little calculator... did all his magic little conversions to Vietnamese dong... and showed me the total of 1,078,305 dong that I owed him for the tour now!

But my sneaky little concierge friend was not sneaky enough to fool me! He was doing conversion from American currency- NOT Canadian. It was beyond frustrating, sitting directly across from him, watching the wheels of deceit turning like a hamster wheel in his head,

Canadian currency would equal 811,180 dong and I wasn't paying ONE dong more.
Actually I did pay a done more... because I took pity on this scheming little cad and I let him round it up to 900,000.

Because I'm nice...

I should not have reconsidered my generosity though, as he charged my credit card an extra 3% on top of the 900,000 dong that I had already rounded up. Not impressed.

In regards to my artificial lawn hotel, as much as I've already complained... I did manage to leave the key in my door for the entire night. No one broke in to my room to steal my stuff. Maybe they did? I don't know, I was sleeping if they did. Maybe they saw my stuff, decided it was crap, and left.

Set my alarm for early to get ready and have the complimentary hotel breakfast...

At around 8:30AM, while I was waiting patiently in the lobby for my $51 tour to show up, this little man ran in, started frantically yelling some random name. Wasn't my name... so I didn't really care and I hardly paid any attention to him.  Everyone else ignored him too... but he kept yelling it.

"Jona Birda!""Jona Birda!"
"Jona Birda!"

Suddenly I started to recognize the parallels and I made a small gesture, signifying that he might be talking about me...

He thrust his clipboard of papers towards me, and I saw my name right there at the top of the tour sheet. Joanna McBride...

That's me.

"Is you? Jona Birda?"

Yes... yes, it is.

Close enough... I guess...

I shouldn't grumble. His name was Zoom.
Sounds a bit made up to me... but definitely fitting for the tour guide names I've encountered so far.

The tour was confusing.

There were two separate tours on our bus... and two tour guides, to boot. They would stand up in intervals and talk about what we were about to be doing... and then when the questions would start rolling in from different passengers, they would just tell us it didn't matter because we weren't going to be doing that activity... and that would be the end of the discussion. It proved to be very complicated and most of us just decided to shut up and go with the flow.  We would remain happy, curious and surprised...

Our first break was at the ever-typical large warehouse located just outside of town - no great difference from any of the others ones we've come across prior to today. The usual - showcasing handicapped people painting, embroidering and sewing diligently. Everything inside was over priced and staff members were in abundance... following us everywhere, pressuring for a sale.

When Zoom got up and announced to all of us that we would be stopping at a nice place for lunch with nice fried rice... I almost plummeted from the bus to my death.

BUT I was pleasantly surprised by lunch. It was an enormous buffet, catering to about 30 other groups. In addition to rice and my other new-not-favourites, there was also shrimp & pork salad rolls, satay sauce, French fries, various noodle dishes, fresh fruit, baguettes...

Such a refreshing change!

Everyone in the group was very nice and I ended up being paired off with Stella, a young girl, from Indonesia. Her English was perfect and she had just completed her Masters in Cambridge University, England.  As we were the two singles on the tour, we ended up sitting together on the bus, boating together, biking together....

If I die... please leave red wine,
jalapeno nachos and salad rolls
with peanut sauce....
please

Now, I kid you not, Stella was Brook Soso from Orange is the New Black. Identical. For all I knew, she could have been that actress. She talked incessantly, fired questions at me all afternoon and I got the impression that she just really wanted to be best friends with everyone. She wore bright red lipstick on and a fair percentage of it stuck to her two front teeth.

The stories behind the temples of Hoa Lu were fascinating. Tales of how the first King rose to power and loved his second son more than the first son... so as legend has it, the first son killed the second son out of jealousy... BUT... in a twist of events, the trusted Captain of the King's army ended up poisoning the King and his first son, so the third son assended the throne at the age of 6... with the help of his mother. Most of the art at Hoa Lu depicted some part of the history in it's carvings and art... like a lady's hand wrapped around the dragon represented the mother of the new King, helping to control all of his moves until he was of age.

There were different rooms in the pagodas and temples dedicated to the worship of each King... and surrounding the centre of worship were items such as Dare Butter Cookies, canned kernel corn, beer, fruit juice, rice wine...

The collection of sacrifices seemed odd to me. I asked Zoom what the significance behind the corn and cookies was and all I really got out of him was "it's food."

Fair enough,

Someone else piped up and mentioned to me that the people like to leave what the Kings enjoyed. I was completely unaware that in the 7th century, Dare Cookies and canned kernel corn existed, but I'm quite proud of this learning journey I'm presently on.

There was a room dedicated solely to the worship of Confucius.  I went in there to look around, pay my respects and I was surprised to see that his room was filled with offerings of dragon fruit and grapefruit...

Guess he wasn't a fan of cookies and corn....

Can you blame him?

The boat ride came after lunch... down the winding river through Tam Coc.  Giving credit where credit is due, the ladies and gentlemen that row these boats with their FEET, they're incredible. I thought I had strong legs after this summer, but I had nothing on them.  This is their livelihood!  Rowing us fat, lazy North Americans around each & every day... their muscle mass must be off the charts.

I think had it been a 15 minute ride... I would have raved about it... but considering that it was over an hour long, I got bored. I stopped taking pictures because after a while, everything looked the same.  The landscape was very similar to that near Ba Be and Ban Gioc.

At about the half way mark on our journey, we encountered some locals selling the usual supplies - beer, water, pineapple, Oreos, red bull, pop...

Adamant to never miss a sale, one of the ladies rowed right up to our boat, offerings in hand , begging us to BUY! BUY! BUY!

No, thank you.

Then she pulled a very sneaky move. She put together a Red bull, some Oreos and a bag of sliced pineapple, then proceeded to hand it to our rower, and said to us "You buy for! He tired! You buy."

Without our consent or reprise, the rower took the supplies with a smile on his face and then we were roped in.

"How much?"

"100,000 dong." 

"No! TOO MUCH." 

BIG rip off. HUGE.

On my bicycle in Tam Coc...
Hard to tell :-)

So what we tried to do was give the rower the 100,000 dong.. and try to explain to him that he could decide what to do with the money. We knew that there wasn't a chance in hell he would spend 100k on those three items. More than likely, he was probably embarrassed at the position we put him in and went in to self defence mode, pretending he didn't know what we were talking about.

Finally we allowed him to keep his goods and handed the 100k dong over- and that was it.  That was his tip and he blew it. I wonder if he lies in bed thinking of all the fun things he could have used that money on.  I do when I'm ripped off.

Back to the boat... my ass got sore and my legs started to cramp up. I just can't sit anymore... this coming from someone who is about to embark on a 21.5 hour plane ride home.

Did I mention that I've run out of my Restless Leg pills?

Sorry... almost run out...

I have 3 left and I have to save them for the flight or I will literally drop dead.

It's crippling...

Due to our boat excursion being so long and drawn out, we missed our window of opportunity to go biking at our leisure. Instead, we had to follow Zoom along the riverbank at a snails pace, enduring his endless, incomprehensible rambling commentary on pretty much everything and nothing... nothing at all.'

He kept stopping us all in EXACTLY the same places that we had previously been in the boat... it was infuriating.

"Stop here for to take nice photo"... and he would insist we all adhere to his request / demand. Then I got annoyed and stopped following suit...

Already got a photo here. Thanks, I'm good.

"Take group photo!"

This was another Zoom favourite. Four times I got off my bike, put the kick stand down and stood there smiling like an idiot, getting my photo taken with a group of strangers - none of which I knew and none of which I would ever see again... then I thought "fuck it" and continued biking along the path, with Stella close behind.

She wouldn't leave her new bestie, after all...